Ask Jody

In her newest internet commentary, internet maven Jody Reale offers no holds barred advice, answers and opinions -- From someone who has been there.

This is not your ordinary advice column. For traditional answers, consult our article series focused on planning and etiquette information.

Your Questions and Answers:

Dear Jody,
My boyfried that i have been with for almost 2 years has finally asked me to marry him and i said yes but there is some problems our parents dont know and they will say were to young. i want to tell them but i dont know when the right time is.
Scared in New Jersey

Answer »

Dear Scared,
Most married folks probably remember when they began receiving unsolicited opinions from their families about their engagements and/or marriages. And most of us probably all remember thinking that as we got older, we'd receive fewer pieces of advice, and would feel less bossed around. Boy, were we wrong. The truth is that the parenting switch that constantly judges and assesses the actions of our children is rarely voluntarily turned to the nice, quiet "off" position, even after the children are grown. That leaves us with the fact that the only switches we control are our own.
First, I'm going to make some assumptions here, besides that it's legal at your age to marry in your home state. I'm going to assume that your parents' concerns are well intentioned and that they will be voiced because they truly have your best interests at heart. I'm going to assume that they want you, above all, to succeed and be happy. You should assume these things too; not just because they're true, but because it's more comforting and less annoying to those receiving unsolicited advice to imagine that there's something wonderful at the heart of it. And then, after appreciating the care and love that go into such concerns, prove them wrong.
You can prove them wrong about being too young by setting yourself up for success. If you feel, even in the slightest, that there's some validity to their concerns, take concrete steps to address them. Take a nice, lengthy engagement, for example; there's no hurry, is there? Sign up for free or inexpensive relationship seminars or coaching sessions before you make your announcement, and make your announcement as soon as possible. If the concern is that you're too young to marry, act as adult-like as possible in return. Breathe, be calm, genuinely listen, and reply with something like, "Thank you for your input. I appreciate it and will consider it." It may feel clunky and fake for you to say this at first, but practice it or a similar sentence until you can hear the truth in it. If you're like most of us, you'll be saying it for the rest of your marriage, so get used to it.

Remember, real familial harmony is not about creating the illusion that you'll do what you're told; it's about teaching your parents that they've taught you to think for yourself. That you can be trusted with trusting yourself, knowing that, as an adult, it's you who lives with the consequences of your actions, whether those consequences are desperate or joyous.

Thanks for writing, and best wishes. Jody

Dear Jody,

My fiancé and I can't agree on how much to spend on our wedding. He says money should be no object, while I'm worried about incurring debt. We're both in our late-20s, we both work full-time and are paying for the wedding ourselves with the exception of a $2,000 stipend that my parents are giving us as a gift. I'm so exhausted from arguing about this issue that I'm beginning to feel less than enthusiastic about the whole event. How can we entertain well, watch our budget and get through our first big disagreement gracefully?

Sincerely,

Spent in Philadelphia

Answer »

Dear Spent,

Unless you're Paris Hilton, money is definitely an object, and that object is often a runaway truck hauling a load of port-a-potties. If you're not careful, you can end up with, at best, a dangerous situation that really stinks. You're not underestimating the importance of getting your money issues sorted out now, and that's smart. In fact, money is such a loaded topic for couples that it's the number one cause of divorce. If you play your cards right before things spiral out of control, you can avoid a stint as the ever-dreaded deer in the headlights.

Marriage, even one that's still in the planning stages, is a marathon, not a sprint. Keep working at it; take it slow. If you have to change your wedding date to lengthen the amount of time you have to sort out this very important issue, then change it. Relationships, even intimate ones, require negotiation; it's more important to get your financial act together than it is to get your invitations out. You can always change what's on paper, but hurt feelings and broken relationships aren't as easily mended.

How couples argue is a very accurate predictor of how successful a marriage is. Don't assassinate your partner's character. Don't let him squash yours. Listen, and stick to the facts whenever possible. For example, did you know that a recent issue of Cosmopolitan reported that the average wedding costs over $26,000? After accepting your parent's $2,000, that leaves you with a bill of about $24,000 if your wedding is average. If you and your fiancé are considering using credit cards or loans to raise that kind of money, be prepared to keep making payments until well after your children have also learned to start asking you for money. I asked the credit card debt calculator at http://www.bankrate.com to tell me how long it would take to pay off a debt of $24,000 at 10% interest (a relatively low rate, yours will vary) by making a $250 payment every month. The answer was 193 months. Remember, the very purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the beginning of a marriage, not interest payments.

The hard truth is that planning a wedding will not only test your inner accountant, but how good you are at solving problems creatively. People from your Human Resources department may call this thinking outside the box. Expand your awareness. Ask for help. Ask yourselves: Are we sure that we know everything about eloping? Is our guest list carved into stone, or just paper? What are our expectations and goals, and are they realistic?

Once a friend of mine and her fiancé began holding the same conversations with themselves, possibilities began unfolding. Luckily, the two were in agreement that they didn't want to spend a lot, but the pressure from their families and friends to “go big” was overwhelming. The happy ending took place, of all places, at a beautiful Las Vegas resort. Held at one of the resort's own on-site facilities, rather than one of the famed little white chapels, Elvis was not there. Ninety of the couple's closest friends and relatives were. It was a tasteful, three-night affair (including bachelor/bachelorette parties and a rehearsal dinner) that cost them under $9,000. So, whether you want Wayne Newton to sing, or you really, really don't, keep your eye on the ball, or the port-a-potties, as the case may be, and enjoy the simple pleasure of being with your fiancé during a time that will prove unforgettable, whether your third cousin escapes from prison an crashes your reception or not.

Dear Jody,
Is it rude to choose a wedding date that also happens to fall on a holiday weekend? Labor day weekend is a perfect time for us, but my fiancé's mother tells me that we would be asking our guests to forgo any other plans they may have had.

Sincerely,

Dating in Delaware

Answer »

Dear Dating, I'm not sure if rude is the right word; after all, it's your wedding, and you're free to plan it any way you want. I think the word in question is “priorities.” How important is it that most of your guests show up? With a holiday weekend wedding, you risk excluding those who keep the kind of same-time-next-year vacation plans that families often relish and anticipate all year long. So if you can't imagine a reception without your college roommate's rendition of The Robot out on the dance floor, consider some other time.

Dear Jody,
I have a really big problem. My fiance and I are suppose to get married next year in spring 2007 have two issues: One my mother and father think my fiance and I should get buy a house and get married at the house we purchase. Two my fiance and I are in credit debt neither one of us have good credit. At this time my fiance is renting a townhouse from my grandmother and I plan on living there too when we get married. The problem is I dont like the location that it is in and my fiance and I are in credit debt, basically we both have bad credit. I personally want a regular wedding nothing too expensive probably 50 per person that is really cheap! My question to you is should I fix my credit buy a house and get married there or get married at a cheap venue and start working on the credit after we get married so I we can get a house that we both like later on? Im confused because I am a student I work and my fiance works full time we are just tight on money but we want to get married in a traditional way. also my parents will not let me move out unless we are married! Jody I'm 27 years old! What do you think I should do?!?!?
Sincerly,
Confused

Answer »

Dear Confused,
Considering that money is the prime topic over why couples fight, it's smart to carefully consider the assets and liabilities you and your fiancee are bringing to your new partnership. And, you're also not alone in that consumer debt loads are at record-breaking highs; Americans everywhere are struggling with the issue of credit and using it wisely—or not so wisely.
It also sounds like this is a very important time in your life. Not only are you about to form a family of your own, but the family you've already got is forcing you to face some interesting truths. One of those truths is that whatever your family's wishes are, you and your fiancee alone are responsible for your well-being.
That means that no one else can ever care about your money or your marriage like you two can, and the choices you make now can stick with you for the next several years. That's why the task of educating yourselves and deciding what's best for your relationship has to be yours and your fiancee's together. The good news is: You don't have to unravel these mysteries alone. Making a plan and getting help with it from a qualified, impartial party can make the difference between cleaning things up or wallowing in "should-a-could-a-would-a."
Begin tending to these issues now; don't wait until the credit card interest and familial resentments mount to the point of no return. Start by arming yourself with information and a support system. The Federal Trade Commission provides information about credit education and credit counseling services. And if you're a student, many universities and colleges provide life counseling and coaching services for free or a nominal fee. Listen to yourself, too. Your natural instincts may tell you that wedding plans and living arrangements are seldom a choice between black and white. "Traditional" doesn't have to mean "expensive." "Moving out" doesn't have to mean, "take a hike." Finding a middle ground right now will test your mettle and your maturity, but as Albert Einstein said, "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."